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Are Shogun Warriors one of those people who has an inbuilt urge to gratify those around you on a regular basis? Do you have people pleasers' personality? Perhaps you're the the eldest child in the family and other people have expectations of you that they don't have of other family members? Or is it that you're none of those things, but simply believe that everyone - everyone except you, that is - has a right to expect respect?

The fact is that trying to please everybody frequently results in pleasing nobody - least of all yourself. And, as politicians - and occasionally mothers - know only too well, it's a tactic Munsters model to failure!

OUR STATEMENT OF PRIORITIES

If you find yourself constantly under pressure from the demands of others, then for your own sake and the comfort and The Falcon of those you love, you need to establish, a statement of priorities. And to do that, you need to understand certain things:

• Accept that there's no pleasing some people.
• You need to look after Number One.
• Expect respect - but don't be surprised if you don't get it.

Some years ago I was commissioned to write the biography of a young woman who was struck down in her prime but who nevertheless learned to live life to the full in a wheelchair. As part of my research I spoke to others who were disabled, and to their carers. The message that came across Action Comics and clear was this: no matter how 'independent' or appreciative the patient, no matter how kind and considerate the carer, neither could ever say of the other, that he or she had done enough. 'The fact is,' said one woman, 'the person you're caring for expects the world to revolve around them. They have to, for survival.'

What is true for the physically disabled and mentally impaired is true, too, for some people who suffer emotional myopia. They are simply too blind, too self-centred, and too demanding to notice, let alone acknowledge or appreciate, what others are doing for them.

I remember being told, many years ago, of a woman whose husband had been raised in what was then part of the British Empire. Used to servants who were on hand to do his every bidding, he extended this expectation into his marriage. For years his wife met his every need, his every whim, in a mistaken belief that to do otherwise would be un-loving. Then one day, after hearing someone speak, or perhaps through reading a book, she woke up to the fact that what she was doing was condoning his bad behaviour: call it selfishness, laziness, what you will. 'I knew then,' she said, 'that to go on picking up his clothes from the floor, putting away his discarded shoes, and replacing everything he dragged from the cupboards in an effort to find one item, was not the loving thing to do. Because I was condemning him to a life of childishness. My actions were actually preventing him from growing up.'

HOW TO PROMOTE DIGNITY

Obviously, the more vulnerable in society deserve all the love and respect we can give them. Rubiks Cube in the elderly, for instance, is paramount. But for the average, able-bodied adult like this man, condoning and encouraging selfishness and bad behaviour is not on. So how can an acceptable balance be achieved?

1. Establish, in your own mind, those chores that you do because you CHOOSE to do them and, conversely, what you do because it's expected of you, and you want to please.
2. You may find it helpful to talk it through with someone whose values you trust.
3. Writing down what you will and won't do in the future, and your reasons for reaching these conclusions, may clarify them in your mind.
4. Talk with (not at) the significant person - be it your partner, parent, boss, or children - to let them know what you've decided.
5. Choose a quiet time of day to do this, when neither you nor the other person is busy, tired or distracted.
6. Be firm, without being adversarial.
7. Be true to yourself, without being self-righteous, self-pitying, filled with false guilt, or caving in.

Managing conflicting priorities is never easy, but don't put off taking a stand. You will only make it harder for yourself and for others. Good luck!

Mel Menzies, February, 2009

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